A friend of mine sent me this hysterical take-off on food fears (see my previous post, "It's All Poison").
What a wonderful antidote to fear-based eating. Enjoy! With copious thanks to the brilliant Michael Bihovsky (www.michaelbihovsky.com).
Here are the lyrics. If this doesn't brighten your day, I don't know what will. Of course, if you're part of the food police, you'll probably ask the judge to issue a warrant for Bihovsky's arrest!
**Lyrics**
VALJEAN
One grain more
A dash of millet flour might be the key
This never-ending road to gluten free
This horrifying food I eat
Will never taste the same as wheat
One grain more...
COSETTE
A quarter cup of cornflake crumbs
To meet my carbohydrate quota
VALJEAN
One grain more
MARIUS & COSETTE
A teaspoon of some xanthan gum
And still it tastes like...baking soda
EPIPEN
One more dairy substitute
MARIUS & COSETTE
Will I ever eat again?
EPIPEN
Drinking oat milk from a carton
MARIUS & COSETTE
What I'd give for pizza pie
EPIPEN
Now I spend my days confused
MARIUS & COSETTE
Or a slice of beef on rye...
EPIPEN
Wond'ring how you milk an oat
VALJEAN
It's so good to see you, Quinoa!
You're the protein source I chose
Still, you look as if I've seen ya
Coming out of someone's nose
MARIUS & COSETTE
Flax instead of eggs
Try to make it whip
Now what do we use
Instead of chocolate chips?
Carob doesn't work
Carob is a trap
Anyone who's had it
Knows it tastes like crap!
VALJEAN & EPIPEN
When the hell is this stuff dated?
MARIUS & COSETTE
Burned and bloated day and night
VALJEAN & EPIPEN
Why's it smell like something died?
COSETTE
What on earth is "lecithin"?
MARIUS
Love, I fin'ly defecated!
EPIPEN
This does not feel like a bun...
ALL
Do you hear the people sneeze
And cough and wheeze
From allergies?
VALJEAN
One grain more!
MARIUS
(simul)
So I added wheat -- I'm sorry
We still had some left in stock
Nothing says "it's time to party"
Like anaphylactic shock
So I guess this must be Quinoa
It's not so gross, I suppose
Still it looks as if I've seen ya...
COSETTE
(simul)
Will I ever eat again?
What if there's a trace of tree nuts?
Someone get my Epi-pen
I'm not supposed to breathe in peanuts!
EPIPEN
(simul)
Have you ever milked an oat?
Guess it's better than a goat
Try a little nog
Smoother than a silk
Even though it's made
Of neither eggs nor milk!
Have another roll
Harder than a rock
Better hold your breath,
Because it tastes like-
VALJEAN & MARIUS
Tomorrow we will bitch and moan
Tomorrow we'll need cortisone
ALL
Tomorrow we'll discover foods
That even vegans have forsworn!
Wish me luck
Mother(BLEEEEEEEEEP)
One grain more...